<p>I lost my two best friends and only friends a few years ago to me being gay, so I want friends--although I may not admit it. I convinced myself after a time that I didn't need friends because: (a) I'm gay, and people don't like what they don't understand, and look at the people who still don't accept us as a community; (b) I have trouble being a friend, which is what my family therapist said to me years ago; and (c) I may have Asberger's, which is what my phsycologist said to me when I was recently out of college around 2008.</p>
<p>It's hard, though, not to want to have friendships--especially from some (guy) I perceive as attractive and popular. Often, it doesn't go well, and I end up looking like a fool. At my job before my recent one, I met such a guy who was like "seeing the face of God" for me he was so handsome. I immediately or soon thereafter friended him on Facebook. Our boss asked me to help some co-workers before going home for the night, which he did for me even though he was in the same room and heard the exact same request. I promptly unfriended him on Facebook to show him how mad I was. I think he noticed, talked to me, and then we were Facebook friends again. I knew that he liked and made dubstep music, so I found out everything I could about it--really just odd facts about artists to get him into making it more. Well, the end result was that he said I was smothering him. We were something of frenemies, according to him. At one point, he wanted to stay away (he also accused me of stalking him online) but I said I didn't want that. I told him I probably had Asberger's, I guess as a way to explain my odd behavior so he might stay--although I didn't explicitly say that was the reason I told him I probably had AS. I also told him I was gay, but not only him. To make him comfortable, I told some co-workers when we were sharing secrets on break. Of course, all this blew up in my face when we had a fight at work. It was really intense, filled with anger and sadness like two lovers having a quarrel. He thought I had a crush on him. But he still said to friend him on Facebook, even if he was only trying to be nice. I had since unfriended him again after one of our spats, but, when I was between jobs, I friended him again, and he accepted.</p>
<p>At my new job, I met another such guy (why do they have to follow me everywhere?). He's 18. The other guy was 19, but I find it surprising each time how more seemingly mature they are than me. My mother told me this job was a way to start over, and that I should focus on the job andlet friendship's develop naturally. I normally work with him, so I got to know hi and his buddies. I rapped for him and sat at lunch with him, talking to him and making him laugh. After a long time--longer than at my other job--I finally friended him, along with a few other co-wrokers so it wouldn't seem so awkward. We had received new work uniforms, and, sometime after we got them, I overheard said guy said he wished he could go shirtless under the vest (and the person he was walking with said, "That's so gay."). Then, in response to me saying the same thing, one of his buddies smirked and said that everybody desn't wear an undershirt under their vest anyway. We, of course, have to wear work shirts under the vest (which is what he meant and I obviously didn't pick up on. Shortly thereafter, one of my facebook friends (who wasn't said 18-year-old guy's facebook friend, but was someone we both had worked with once) posted exactly what said guy and I were talking about--only he had the vest zipped up. I shared the pic, and said guy liked it. Needless to say, that prompted me to post six pictures of myself--only I unzipped my vest so you could see my hair and belly button and, on the last photo, nipples. I was not only trying to be funny, but also cool and tough. I also wore sunglasses for my photos and was in an "I want YOU" pose for one. FACEBOOK IS AND NEVER HAS BEEN MY FRIEND; NOTHING GOOD COMES OF IT. The day after, I was fine until said guy accused me of sexual harrassment (which made me less want to talk to him). I explained to him that that wasn't my intention as well as the reasons behind the photos and how I wanted to be perceived (primarily as funny; I left out the cool and tough parts because I thought no one would believe that. I hoped, though, that said guy got the vibe because I told him I thought that's what Army guys (He was in the National Gaurd) liked and that it was a guy thing. The first night or so after, when I obviously had my head down in embarrassment (which I indicated verbally after his harrassment comment) and dejection once I spotted him, he put his hands on my shoulders and said "Ke-VIIIN" in the tough way he always says it. That didn't change. He still talks to me and sat with me once so far at lunch, but I don't feel the same closenes I once did with him. One time, as if in sympathy, he tapped his knuckle on my spine as he went behind me without looking at me--kind of wierd for a sexual harrassment accuser. I didn't lose my job, thank god. Indeed, I sent the pictures to people I thought would be cool with it--more than hiim. I even received some positive feedback from the OP that prompted my photos and another Facebook friend. When said guy and his friends wanted me to remove my pictures as soon as I got home, I thought that I needed to show my sincerity in not posting again and so I unfriended them permanently. I want to be friends, but I'm not sure how he (and his buddies) feel about me now. I have even been called "wierd" in jest by them, so I don't know if they know I'm gay or not. Also, when he saw me after the incident, he said, "Are you still here? Good." I guess at this point I should mention that I told everyone, which is how I really feel, when prompted that I often don't feel good about myself, so maybe he was respondng to that. I also said that I was glad he was at work as well. One night, he even said I deserved a promotion, but then asked me where (what location)
