rastriker95's Blogs

It is nice that in 2021 it is a lot easier to come out than it was in 2000, and even more so than the 1970's.  Today we have the social media networks to help out, though I would vote against that since there is so much online bullying.  We also have Gay/Straight Alliances in schools and private businesses. More people today when you say "I'm Gay" just look at you and say "So What".  But we still live in a world where homosexuality is condemed.  It is going to take a LONG time, if ever, for the entire world to be accepting.

Well, when I was growing up, though I didn't know what "gay" was quite yet, I knew i liked looking at boys more than girls when I was about 10 years old back in 2004.  I used to go to this public swimming pool in the summer and I would extend my time in the locker room changing into my swimsuit (Speedo of course), and again changing back into my street clothes.  I was never nervous about being naked in a room full of other boys and men, but I wasn't showing off either.  I was doing what I needed to do, just at a slower pace.

The internet was still in it's infancy back then, and I was one of the lucky ones who's parents bought the computer for ME and I had it in my bedroom.  They quickly realized that in the days of Dial Up we needed a second phone line to handle the internet, so Dad ordered a second line to go to my room just for the computer.  Later on I realized if I unhooked the line from the computer I could call people, so I secretly went out and bought a cheep phone.

Back in those days chat was great.  I had about every messenger that you could think of: Yahoo, MSN, AOL, ICQ.  Yahoo was my favorite since you could find chat rooms that were local to your area, or you could create a chat room for your own subject and put it in the general listings.  I don't remember how it came about, but Yahoo was the chat where I first found one about boys.

It wasn't long before I was chatting up a storm with other teen boys and grown men.  And it wasn't long after that when I started to get asked if I had a cam.  I didn't at first, so I had to work my allowance up so I could go to Radio Shack and by one.  Back then I don't think anyone guessed what kids were going to do when they went to buy a webcam.  Nowaday's I think they'ed get a little looked at.   

Now I had my webcam so the next time that someone asked I could say yes.  And it didn't take long.  For the most part at first it was just other boys and I just randomly chatting, then there was that first cam when someone who was about 18 asked me if I'd show off my chest.  I didn't even give it two thoughts before the shirt came off and he was saying nice things about how I looked.  We chatted more and then he asked if he could see what was in my shorts.  Again, no two thoughts, and I was standing in my bedroom, stark naked, on cam for him to see me in all my glory.  

Eventually, I realized that most of the people in those chat rooms either wanted to have me take pics of myself and send them to them, or just do a cam show to jerk off, show my butt, maybe do a little ass play, and other simple things.

That was pretty much all I did for the next couple of years until I got into the 7th Grade in school.  For the non-U.S. counterparts you enter 7th Grade at age 12 for the most part.  The first day of Physical Education class (PE or Gym) my heart nearly exploded out of my chest, my dick became and iron rod, and I swear I was druling a bit.  I was never teased in gym class, but I did get a few boys asking "what are you looking at" when I would stare a bit to long.

So yes, it was at this point where I did start messing around with other boys that I had befriended at sleepovers and camp outs.  It was just a lot of touchy-feely at that point, light kissing, trading blow jobs, and trying to fuck.  Not all was very successful since neither of us, of the few boys that participated, really knew what we were doing.  It was still fun.

When I turned 13 I met this 15yo kid who was visiting some family of his that lived on the same road as my family.  He was gonna be there for two weeks so we started hanging out.  Found out that he lived just a few towns over.  

Now, behind the road there was this pretty thick forest and if you went deep enough in turned into a state park.  And it was huge.  I was always out in the woods and had a make-shift fort made that I thought nobody knew about, so I showed him all of that.  

One afternoon when we were out at my fort we were boy talking and he asked me if I had a girlfriend.  I kinda blushed at the question, but said no.  The he asked: "boyfriend?", to which i blushed even harded.  He said with my looks I should have both boys and girls hanging on my arms.  And then he asked if he could see what I had in my shorts.  

Yea, I had shown off plenty on cam when guys asked that, but never with someone actually standing in front of me.  Then he said he would show his first to make me a bit more comfortable.  And down came his shorts!  He was hard then, good 5"cut on him with a nice bit of bush surrounding it.  So I pulled my shorts down too and showed him my little woody.  I was a late bloomer, so at this point I had barely started puberty.  No hair on me, and still had the high voice.  So we ended up taking off all of our clothes and we were just two naked boys in the forest.  

He asked if he could suck my dick then, and by now I'd seen so many porn videos of guys sucking other guys, I was like "hell yea".  So I sat down on a log and he kneeled and gave me what I call my "First Best" blow job.  He worked my dick like a pro.  I just sat there body shaking as he continued until I had a dry climax.  When I was done, all i could say is "do you want me to do that to you?"  And we traded places.

Getting down and sucking him was the most amazing experience I'd had up till that point.  Though he had to tell me to watch my teeth a couple times, and he tried to get me to deep throat it (which wasn't happening at that time), he said I did great and he cummed in my mouth and I swallowed it all.

He then asked if I'd fuck him, and I said sure.  So he laid down on his back on the ground, pulled his legs back to expose his hole and said "you can go as hard and fast as  you want to.  It wont hurt me."  At the time I didn't know what he meant, but I found out later (for another post).

So after messing around with friends from school, and the visiting neighborhood boy, I was really starting to try to understand my sexuality.  I knew I was gay.  I wasnt trying to fight it or anything.  I wasn't going to a conversion camp.  It was just natural for me to BE gay.  But I still had questions and there was no way I was asking my dad because I kinda felt that he would be against being gay and was the type of guy who would throw someone out, I thought.

I wasn't comfortable talking about it with any extended family, we weren't religious, so no talking to the preist, and I didn't know you could talk to school counselors about non-school things.  So, at 14, I went to the library and found this book called: "Everything You Want to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask." I was like "perfect" and checked it out and took it home to read.  

It was a pretty informative book.  It was all questions that people had wrote into ask, and the doctor author was answering those questions.  In the back of the book was her name and address where youo could mail her questions to be answered in the book. 

So I started writing letters.  I had a different letter for each subject that I wanted an answer for.  One in particular was about how I had liked tieing up a friend of mine to a tree and using a thin twig like branch to whip him with on his back and ass.  We both enjoyed that.  He would scream a bit after every whack, but he would also laugh at it too.  

But I never mailed them in.  Instead, I kept them in a box under my bed, way in the back, so it would stay private. Then one afternoon my dad asks me if I wanna go out on the boat in the ocean for the afternoon.  We never went out all that often, the boat was primarily for my dad's work to empress clients.  So when he asked if I wanted to go, I knew it was a really special thing, and I jumped at the chance.  

It started off as an amazing adventure.  He let me navigate the boat out of the harbour which was unheard of.  But he took over again once we got into the open ocean.  He did all the things that a kid likes to do on the water.  We went super fast, we were jumping other boats wakes, we were getting wet and having fun. After a bit though, he slowed down and then completely stopped the boat and turned the engine off.  At first I thought he was just going to take a nap or something, or let me dive into the water.  Boy waa I mistaken.

He called me to the front of the boat and told me to sit down because he wanted to have a talk with me.  I was like, oh God, what did I do now.  My dad and I had never seen eye-to-eye to well, and we had had more than one "talk" about things. He pulls out this manilla folder, opens it up, and says "I found these letters in your room, and i think we need to talk about this."

To say that I was horrifed that he had the letters in his hand is an understatement.  My first reaction was to jump off the boat and swim to shore.  My heart was pounding like never before, I was sweating gallons and it wasnt because of the sun.  And this was no talk.  He began to rail at me about being gay.  About how he couldn't believe that one of his three sons was gay.  And this went on for a long time.  But then he said the line that nearly destroyed me: "Your mother would disown you if she had been the one to find these letters."  My mom and me were SUPER close, and if that were true it would destroy me too.

After his ranting about the letters I sat as far in front of the boat as I could get to be as far away from him as possible.  Once we docked I just ran to the car, crying, and sat there waiting for him to finish up at the marina and take us home.  The whole trip back home I was trying to hold back crying and didn't say a word to him. Once we got home, I jumped out of the car, ran into the house not even saying Hi to Mom, and ran upstairs to my room and slammed the door shut.

I heard my mom ask "What's the matter with him", but never heard what my dad answered back.  I cryed myself to a migrain headache that night, skipped dinner, didn't even go online, and went to bed.  To this day, that was the worst day of my life.  

It was two days later when my mom finally confronted me about what had happened that afternoon.  She said that she knew that something bad had gone down because of how the two of us had reacted when we got home, and the fact that I had avoided seeing and talking to him since.  You can't hide things from good mothers, and I had the best.

So trying to do it without busting into tears, I told her in detail everything that had happened on the boat, including the line that he said about her disowning me.  She kept her cool through the whole retelling, moved in closer to me, wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and said that she knew I was gay when I was nine, and confirmed it because I never talked about girls. Never tried to sneak out to see a girlfriend.  She said she would never disown me, and that she loved me for who I am. Of course I busted out crying again when she said that, and she just squeezed me tighter.  And she said don't worry about your dad. 

Later that evening when I was up in my bedroom doing homework, they started to have a fight.  No punches or appliances were thrown, but OMG the volume of their words could have woke the dead.  These days the cops would have been called if someone had heard them.  After about a half hour I heard my dad slam the front door, get in his car, and drive off.  Though when I got up the next morning he was there at the table reading the newspaper like he did every morning.  It was still a pretty tense day.  

As the days went by though everyone started to relax.  My dad and I only spoke to each other when we absolutely had to.  He's never said it yet, but I know that that was the day our relationship was destroyed.  It was the Titanic.  Lost at sea for all eternity.  To this day we don't really speak to each other.  When I call and he answers my moms phone Ill politely chat for a minute or two before asking for Mom.

We had someother big blowups between then and when I graduated, but those stories are for another post.

It was a bad day overall, however, it did open up that they both knew I was gay now, and I didn't have to try to hide it from everyone.  From then forward I would say that by how I dressed and acted in school you could tell I was gay.  But I wasn't trying to flaunt it in everyone's face like some boys do.  I was just being myself.  

So that is how my parents found out I was gay.  Well, one found out and the other already knew.  I just didn't know she knew.  I hope you enjoyed the story, and I look forward to reading any comments that you all might have.  Now its time to make some dinner and go watch some YouTube.  Have a good one!