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Sunday May 27, was the day my father died. A day that started like any other but went on and on and never seemed to want to end. It was the longest and yet the shortest day of my life. And as the terror of it passed to memory so the hate grew and took it's place. Hate of those who came to the house to speak of his death, hate of those who may have been partly responsible, hate of those who saw him last, hate of everything. And most frightening of all was my hatred of him for leaving me. When I went to see him as he lay at rest in his coffin the look on his face made me smile. It was a look I was very familiar with and looking back it was an expression I am glad was his last. It was the look he gave when he was pissed off. I think it was a very fitting last look. One that I am happy to remember, because it's brought closure in a strange way. It's as if he knows he's dead and it pisses him off.

There are some things that Thomas and others have said to me lately that have brought me out of the shadows. They have managed to get through to me where my family and friends never quite could. The internet is a great tool and can be used for a multitude of things. In my case it has been a good counseling tool. I sought to escape from reallity into this virtual world where actions have no consequence and where it can end at the press of a button. Like the holodeck on the Enterprise, "computer, end programme". But actions have consequences and there is no place for rudeness nor unfriendly behaviour. So I offer my appologies to all those people I have rejected as friends. It was a very selfish attitude and a very immature attitude. There is a definate advantage to having virtual friends. It was my friends here in GBT that drew me out from the dark. It never really dawned on me that there was something wrong with my attitude to people in the real world untill I realised I was doing wrong here in cyberspace. My ginger friend said I had become more aggresive and distant, others mentioned the same. But I was oblivious till now. It was the message on my wall from thomas that knocked some sense into me.

Writing this blog has has certainly been good and has cleared my head and I can feel a weight lifted from me. I could easliy ramble on and on but I feel now that I have said I've been mistaken about the virtues of virtual friendships I feel better. The next thing I need to do is to drink less. My alcohol consumption has gone over the top. I have consumed nearly all of my fathers whisky. My motherr does not know how much he had. But I'm only 18 and my liver can recover...lol.

So, in closing this meassge/blog, I will stop rejecting friendship requests and thank Thomas et al for saving me from my demons.