's Blogs
Tommy's daily Funny, If you laugh every day people will either think you are a nut or a nice person take your pick
Dear Abby says that you are addicted to sex
if you have sex more than three times a day,
and that you should seek professional help.
I have news for Dear Abby:
The only way I am going to get sex
three times a day is if I seek professional help.
=======================================================
The Top 16 Signs You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School
16> Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost
them in a game of "Lord of the Flies."
15> your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper
bag, some water paints, and no pants.
14> "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long
time!"
13> Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
12> First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize.
11> No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the
Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
10> Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.
9> Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.
8> Two words: Full Montessori
7> The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.
6> She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.
5> Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
4> For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.
3> "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.
2> The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little kid
keeps getting into my tequila."
1> On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."
=================================================================
~~~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while
... it isn't so hot.
~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'
~~~ While playing a poker game, if you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is -- it's you.
~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
~~~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly
wouldn't have paid for me.
~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a
bunch of liars.
~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I just start breathing again.
~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
~~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I've come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~ There's a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for & why, it will instantly disappear and
be replaced by something even more bizarre & inexplicable.
There's another theory which states this has already happened.
~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a barbecue?
~~~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come in sooner."
~~~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here
legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long
as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
if you have sex more than three times a day,
and that you should seek professional help.
I have news for Dear Abby:
The only way I am going to get sex
three times a day is if I seek professional help.
=======================================================
The Top 16 Signs You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School
16> Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost
them in a game of "Lord of the Flies."
15> your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper
bag, some water paints, and no pants.
14> "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long
time!"
13> Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
12> First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize.
11> No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the
Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
10> Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.
9> Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.
8> Two words: Full Montessori
7> The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.
6> She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.
5> Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
4> For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.
3> "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.
2> The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little kid
keeps getting into my tequila."
1> On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."
=================================================================
~~~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while
... it isn't so hot.
~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'
~~~ While playing a poker game, if you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is -- it's you.
~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
~~~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly
wouldn't have paid for me.
~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a
bunch of liars.
~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I just start breathing again.
~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
~~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I've come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~ There's a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for & why, it will instantly disappear and
be replaced by something even more bizarre & inexplicable.
There's another theory which states this has already happened.
~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a barbecue?
~~~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come in sooner."
~~~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here
legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long
as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
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